To My Father In HIs Eternal Crib

I have many things to say, but I dont know how to utter those. You know, I am a kind of big imbecile when it comes to express my feeling. But now, I have short lines to say: For you, yes you.

The hardest thing is not leaving
But standing here while pretending
As if nothing had changed
And I talked to you not your grave

The pain is not yours, but mine
As well as every remorse
For every good things I couldnt say
For every good deeds I couldnt pay

Irony of Human Consciousness In Machinized World of Capitalism

Human is animal that has overcame its animality. Transcended from very primitive stage into conscious stage of humanity and civilization, human is different from its early stage because as Marx said, it has produced something, in this part is its own consciousness. In this part, human can be identified as machine that has to produce well in order to maintain its performance.
Therefore, human is not looked from the value of his existence but how it can produce things. In the narration of modern world, particularly capitalism, since it is an idealism that control the world, human is a good or an affective one as long as it follows its grand narration. Capitalism can be compared with the grand machine that works 24/7.
The irony is located when human realizes that there is something wrong about capitalism itself, the grand narration that controlling the scheme of the world, the bad side of grand machine. Then he is no longer an affective machine. He can be illustrated as broken gear from grand machine, he should be replaced as soon as possible.

To My Mother

Actually it was sort of funny ga-ga momment when my mom suddenly asked me to write something about her in my journal. She said that I was too much criticizing super stuffs of philosophy but mentioned nothing about her, real person in my life. She said that she wanted every one know her (Now I figured out where I got the spot light craver gen) At first, I didnt like the idea because I am very adamant to be super cheessy self centered person. But then she shocked me by saying that why I had to wait until her death to write something about her. To make fair share, I would like to write something here.

My mother is such typical of loving mother. She always gives her children first place before her. I know that she always wants to give me and my brother everything. She is awesome cook and does good job in handy works such as knitting and stuffs. She always gives me good point of view when I get into self made trouble. I always love her hoomy fragrances rather than any perfumes in the world. More than everything, I like her intelligence, which she never stop reminding as the factor of my bright. She was there when I endured hard trouble of adolescence by never stop to remind me that there is always silver lining behind every dark cloud. I have many things inside my hectic brain but I dont know how to put it all here. She is the limitless topic.

21th Century Modern Human: The Story of Centerless Death Planet In Limitless Universe

21th century was marked by several tragis events which changing thew orld and its inhabitants abruptly. The pre-dawn was highlited by useless extra anticipation of Y2K and its dramas. A year later, WTC was crashed by hijacked airplanes and unleashed bleeding living wounds to many people. Years after that, world became the stage of several fail attempts of revenge in Afghanisthan and Iraq, which brought nothing but another pain and war casualities. In 2004, tsunami wiped away thousands lives in seconds. In 2006-2007, crisis energy stroke global economy and conceived the seed of global economy which was totally born out in 2008. Now it already spreaded like deathly influenza in rainy season, shocking the convenient foundations of world economical stability, creating terrible new trend of unemployment, and shadowing future of millions bright young talents. The condition was worsened with sort of mistrust trend toward system of beliefs (either religion, ideologies, etc), which was only considered as fail agents of morality reinforcement by most people in the world.
Socialism was proven as impractical theory with the fall of socialists countries in the world in the closing decades of 20th century. In the other hand, capitalism was still seen in dual ways: 1) the quick solution to build strong economical nation's stability, 2) the root of moral corruption as well the unavoidable cause of terrible gap in society. Dont ask about religion. It would be never ending disscussion of renaissance era when it came to question if religion could be the solution of society's disease or not. 21 th century unleashed the new hybrid of human, "an individual or you would rather say thinking animal with open bleeding wound amd hopeless feeling without any stable point of view. 21th century people were ripped out from their convenient craddle to witness those catastrophes like witnessing the tragic show of falling dominos.
To make an analogy, we can compare 21th century individual with the death planet. AT first it was living planet which circling in its orbital sphere with the sun as its center of system of belief, the gravitation stand point where it saw and comprehended its anything surrounding it. In its happy and modest orbital sphere, a meteor showers suddenly came in and threw it away. The planet lost its perfect single gravitation. Everything inside it was turned upside down, there was no more stability but total chaos. No sun also meant no strict divider between day and night, everything came into blur. The planet stepped its death since no more shine to enlight the living things inside. Gradually, it met its death. Now the planet was nothing but empty floating rock which wandering alone in limitless universe. Many suns pulled it tho their garvitation spheres, but still, it had already died.

The Twilight Buzz

After several hard discussion lately, I would like to write a lighter topic, about thing which attracted me the most nowadays, Twilight.
At first I was attracted by its simple poster and tagline "When you can live forever, what do you live for?" Then I googled in on net and became more drawn to it. I wanted to see whether Robert Pattinson did good job in here like he did in HP series or not. Th film was undeniably interesting and I could feel strong chemistry between two main characters. I like the scenes when Edward shows the meadow to Bella. After that, the movie touched me to the poin that I wanted to see it thousands times. I figured it out that my girl friends in college also talked about it crazily, mostly we were talking about the sexy Robert Pattinson. One of my dear girl friend even said that if Edward wanted to drain my blood, I will let him do that and say "Choose any part of my body" (Yeah baby, me too. He can pick any place in my body and I swear I wont yell)
After I was able to control my animal instinct, I tried to analyze the movie. Actually there was nothing new in it. Author seemed want to make some old fashioned tale about perfect dashing boy who madly unreasonably in love with average girl.But she knew it wouldnt be a hit. Then she came with the idea, "Hey let' s make the dashing boy becomes the moratally dangeorus vampire" Then came along Edward Cullen. Besides unevitably handsome and filthy rich with his shiny volvo, he is also the world's besat predator. What a terrible beauty? It is like perfect coombination of goody-goody student with gorgeus bad boy from the corner. Who cant resist him, not me of course.

The Destiny of Being Human

Human are kind of subtle, unique creatures. Unlike other predators with exceptional gifts, they are kind of lame. They can't run as fast as cheetah, have no strength like polar bear, or some insightful eyes like eagle. But fortunately, they are blessed with their amazing brain, which enabling them to create many useful tools to survive in this cruel world. Therefore, it puts them into highest place of food link, the strongest of all predators. They are proud to the fact that they are animals with some overactive brain, ragging their superiority above others. Despite their almost omnipotent power, they are still hindered by a fact that they are only weak, vulnerable being against their own...fate. The fate that they cant ever conquer everything in this eternalness world. They are angry with that fate and starting to deny it. But can they do that? Do they really have something called free will? Don't you think it is only kind of illusion for their own lullabies? The fact that every efforts that they did was only kind of illusion, irritated them. They think all magnificent civilization that they build would be proofs for their superiority. Now I let you to think it alone, do you still have any proud of being human?

In The Land Of Gods

In the land of Gods
Along the David's remains
Below the Holy Sepulcher's shades
Between The Al Aqsa's prayers

You can feel the celestial vibration
Above her soils and steps of prophets
Beneath the blood and tears
From pilgrims with true devotion

In the land of redemption
Where sinner turns to be virgin
I cant stop questioning
Why hatred is still living

Inhale and Exhale: The Only Sanest Way To Live In This Crazy Hectic World

When Indonesian gov officially announced the rise price of fuels in this June, my heart was, metaphorically, throbbing out. Rise fuels meant extra expenses which I knew that my parents almost couldnt afford that. I, with my pessimistic head, imagined the worst ever. But my mom said that there was nothing to be afraid for. She said that Life is a perfect circle. We don't know exactly what will happen next, rather than worrying things ahead, let's just take another inhale and exhale it. Now when the price fuels was going down again. I know that every nightmares that I imagined was too silly. Now, I try to live my life in the sanest way; inhale and exhale.

For Mourning Widow In Varanasi

Your husband
Your God
Had
Died

Burn all of your colored clothes
Throw away all of your earthly desires
Then drift all to Gangga's streams
Like what you did with your husband ashes

Under The Varanasi's holy shades
Between the devoted Shiva's priests
Burn yourself or wear only white linen
Mourning is your only rights and obligations

Implicitly
They say,
If you saw a child dying in hunger,
"Close Your eyes"
If you saw injustice in everywhere else,
Close your eyes

We live in the world of ignorant
Stop to be innocence
But pretend that you have some care
So you dont have to be shame

Believe nothing but wealth
It buys everything even truth
Turn black into liar
Turn liar into noble one

People are running in their own frantic ideas about showing, buying, and being displayed like sweet but human less mannequin. They are killing their precious times in an extravagant building called Mall, or I rather say, shrine of crazy shopaholic. People are granting their own happiness in buying tradition. They feel it can release them from unhappiness. But I know, or pretend to know exactly what in their minds are. Writing is my meditation but they prefer buying as their meditation, way to find catharsis. They are trying to fulfill their unfulfilled hollow. Buying makes us thinking that we have some powers to control the world. But is that what we really need? Stoics prefer to deliberate themselves by having nothing. But we, so called modern human, prefer to clutter ourselves with stuffs, which dont bring anything but another hollow. Now, please give me an answer!

Talking to Angel (Inspired by The old Man with enormous wings)

There was an angel.
He was standing under a dying tree in middle of an abandon grassy yard. Afternoon sun gave a perfect glance of him, an unhandsome old man with almost bald gray hair. The wind breezed his dreary dirty shattered wings, a type which you wouldn’t ever see at immaculate Christmas’s postcard image.
But I knew he is an angel. His feet didn’t touch dry and cloaked soil under him. Instead, he could be perfectly portrayed as vague resemblance from Rembrandt’s painting than real flesh and blood substances like me. And I knew he was an angel because my heart said so, and what you could ever believe more? Mind, no way. It would only give you a full non-sense things which intoxicating those so-called materialists.
“Like her.” I murmured unconsciously. I didn’t know why but sometimes I couldn’t control myself.
He gave me his toothless smile as I moved toward him. He talked, with universal language, which didn’t have to be uttered. But you would understand it instantly because your heart, the very trusted part of your soul, said so. Hitherto I decided to pause my indefatigable journey of search of the truth to talk to him.
“I was lost”
“From what?” asked me, with mortal language, which had to be uttered since my mortal nature hindered me from not doing so.
“ A battle”
“What battle?”
“Of her soul.” Then he cried, with tears that you wish you wouldn’t ever see or imagine, in the rest of your sinner days.
I instantly felt some kind guilt, the one that you felt after you yelled at your parents or hurt someone you loved the most. I didn’t know why, but I assumed it was simply because he was an angel, the most sacred being after God himself. I hoped you would nod to my statement if you also believed in them.
I asked him again, “Who’s she and why you cried?” Instead of answering my question, he asked me to walk with him. I, who was charmed by his uncanny irresistible charisma, can’t resist his invitation. He seemed able providing my agitated search of answer of the real truth; one, which made me, couldn’t rest even for a while.
In the middle of our journey, we meet cavemen who wear nothing but scattered animal’s leather in their bodies. They were worshipping a giant stone and chanting words, which I couldn’t interpret. Then the thunder suddenly flashed and shattered a giant tree into two pieces. The thunder shocked them and but after few moments, they turned worshipping the torn giant tree.
I sighed with disgust feeling toward them, “Huh, morons. How dumb they are? Why they worship things that wouldn’t grant anything? Why they are very easily enchanted by any power?”
I thought The Angel would agree, or at least nod to my statement but I was shocked when he said that I was no better than those cave people. I, with my self-centered mortal proud, rejected his opinion, “Absolutely, I was better than them. Unlike those cavemen, I am worshipping monotheist God or also known as your own Boss.”
“But don’t you think they are resembling who you were in your early days?” He revealed solemnly. “They are in restless infant search of God, believing anything or anyone.” I was double stunned, not only because of his words but also some annoying memory of mine.
The sun shone brightly as if it would burn anything under its shine. I, who was captivated by his power asking, “Are you God?” No reply.
Then a cockroach mesmerized me with its disgusting so-called wings.
“Or you” I pointed the big cockroach under kitchen’s table. No reply.
Thus, I realized that I could save myself from the burn sun above me and I could kill the cockroach in few second. So…
“Or me” I pointed myself.
No reply.
Then I decided to worship myself. Ha.

“Before you become very self righteous like those so called fundamentalists, let us continue our walk and you can decide who’s better then.” Said The Angel.
After that we continued our walk until reaching the border of abandons land and city. I immediately warned him, “Don’t go to the city, the place was burned out with the inner hell.”
He only gave me a beatific smile instead of an uttered language. Again, I guessed he wanted me to follow him first.
I chose to follow him first.
We arrived at the Islamic clergy elementary school in the suburban area. The class was already started; students were listening their teacher with full-adored attention. “There is no God besides Allah, and Mohammed is His prophet.” Said teacher. My memory wandered to my own childhood days in clergy school.
“When you did naughty things, you will suddenly enter hell, the place of eternal fire where sinners become its fuel.” Said my teacher. His words rose hair at nape of my neck. Then I asked him back, “What we should do to avoid hell?” He answered with solemn voice, “Don’t do naughty things and prayed to Allah all the time.”
I was praying five times to avoid hell.
I was fasting in Ramadan only for releasing my body from hell.
No reply. But I was still worshipping God.

The angel grinned; I thought he was reading my own self-sin confession. I felt little bit embarrassed. But the Angel said that I was not the only one who felt like that. Hell is not only a horrifying but also captivating word. Most of people, prayed to God in order to avoid Hell alone.
But, was it the only core of worshipping?
Was it wrong?
How about love toward God?
How about you?
Is it God who captivating you to His shrine or his eternal fire where your full of sin body will be its eternal fuel?

I guessed no one could give us exact answer besides the Angel and of course, God himself since He is the source of all knowledge. Then I turned to Angel next me for exact answer. But I was wrong, instead answering my question; he just smiled and said that I was the only one who could answer my own restless question. Human is the most self-denying creature. No matter how perfect the answer it was, human would always seek another one and perceive what they consider as the most fitted one for them and not the truth.
Again, I was tormented by the truth. But, did he really tell the truth? My humanly egotistical feeling forced me to deny it.
Then we continued our journey until we arrived at the gate of university. Again, he shed his tears. I, who was confused by his attitude, asked him the reason behind his tears. He said that university was the place where human starts to reject God by assuming that they are already finding ultimate knowledge of everything.
“Like Her.”
“Was it wrong? Was it human’s mission to find ultimate knowledge of everything?” Asked me.
“No, there was nothing wrong about it but the arrogance was the down side. When human starts to feel they are already being the source of knowledge, they begin to be shame about believing God. They begin to separate faith from everything, as if talking about God is only one level polite than talking about enjoying carnal activity with Parisian Prostitute.” He uttered briefly.
O, don’t remind me about those days. It tortured me a lot.
“Nietzsche said that God is dead.” Said I in the front of lecturers.
No, he is still alive.
“God is only kind of opium which making society in the high stone of frantic waiting toward afterlife.”
But I am waiting for that.
“Therefore we should separate frantic belief of God in our pure minded college”
But I do believe in God like Peter Pan with his belief to fairies.
I do.
I do.

“I do believe in God.” I murmured unconsciously. Again.
“Yes, you do. She did that too.” He answered my unconscious murmur with full attention, “But you chose to pretend as if you didn’t. You knew it was very not intellectual for valedictorian like you to believe in such myth called God.”
Again, he ripped me for the truth and I am tortured as well embarrassed with my inner self. But I preferred to deny it because it was easier than accepting who really I am.
I do.
“Like Her.”
Another stop was Internet café, the new restless shrine of modern human. People starred at the computer’s screen with full attention, some giggling and some expressing their horny face. The Angel was stand still. We talked no more but watching them.
After few seconds, The Angel asked me with sounds like an archaic question, “I couldn’t understand but wonder why so called modern human built it.”
“It is new stage of modern communication, human could cut the distance and communicate easily with other people in every part of earth. Internet makes the world becoming smaller, faster, and more efficient.” I answered with kind of proud toward Internet, the best human’s invention ever.
But he grinned instead of admiring, “Don’t you think Internet is kind of oxymoron. When human say that they build new stage of communication, they also cut the real communication at same time. They are so called virtually talking to people. Frantically believing that they had find so-called friends in empty non-exist world. They are modern human who denying God but looking elsewhere to find substitute. In the end, they find nothing but empty life, like you.”
“Like Her.”
“Don’t you think, God is also kind of modern communication, an oxymoron. When I prayed to God, I felt like talking in private chatting room which giving me nothing but empty reply.” I answered him with full rage, which I didn’t understand where it came from.
He answered my question somberly, “You know you already got the answer from God himself. But you chose to be deaf, blind, and mute as if nothing had happened. Then you asked to God about why He didn’t reply your prayers. But in fact, he did.”
“Are you God?” I asked ‘Das Capital’.
“Or you?” I pointed Adam Smith.
“Or you, are you God?” I frantically asked my own laptop.
“Where’s God?” I shouted out loud to dark cloudy sky upon me.
Then my heart said with very calm voice, almost silent, “He is here, near you, very near with you.” Sorry, but I heard nothing.
No reply.
A hollow in my heart.

Tears busted out from my eyes. A hollow. A hollow. Could you explain this hollow? I turned to Angel furiously, “Why, why I can’t find him in anywhere? Why I have to feel this hollow which causing my restless search of truth.” The Angel sighed, “She also felt like that too. She felt alone, hollow. I was lost from Her soul. No reply.”
“Who’s she? Why you always talked about her? It is about me, not her. ” I asked him infuriately. “It’s about us. She’s me, She’s you. We are unison.” He revealed truth. I frowned, “Who?”
“She’s, our writer.” Said The Angel.
What.
“She writes all these things. You and me. We are merely characters who projecting Her hysterical search of God.” Revealed him.
NONONONONONO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“But NO, I am alive, I am real human, I can think, I can breathe.” Denied me.
“Yes, but everything that you did, is merely thing which was pre-instructed by Her. You are only a frantic character which resembling Her Humanity confusion about God. You have no free will, so that you can’t be classified as human.” Revealed The Angel, again.
I cried, with my selfish tears, which denied my so-called false existence and indeed, Her existence which giving me nothing but whole restless confusion.
“Why She didn’t ask me, or at least feel pity on me before She created me?” I asked him angrily. The Angel gave me no reply. His silent intensified my anger. The Internet café was suddenly gone like blur water paint and turned into desert of nowhere. The desert wind blew hard to my face and his almost shattered wings. I looked hysterically to my surroundings.
I laughed loudly. She wanted to show Her omnipotent power but again, I would fight Her, you back. “I won’t lose from you.” I shouted Her.
I shouted him afterward, “Didn’t you feel same anger like me because of your ugly physical performances which She self-interestedly created? Why She gave you, the being who has fully faith on her, such a extremely ugly physical outlooks like this?”
Then he suddenly cried, again, his tears tortured me the most. “Why you cried? Did you felt sorry for your physical outlooks?” I asked him calmly. “No, I didn’t cry for that unimportant reason. Why She had to ask us for that? She’s our Creator; She can do anything as She pleases, including creating you and me without asking our pre-permission.” Answered The Angel.
“Including creating your ugly physical performances as She wished.” I inquired him back, only to burst his angelic anger, which turned Pious Lucifer to be King of Satan. He just nodded instead turn back to be furious about Her Injustice.
“I cried because She asked same question to Her own Writer, about why She had to be created with such restless question and to be very tormented by Her own restless search of truth or I rather say the real awakening. I cried because She chose to disbelief every answer that I gave. Like you, She also couldn’t endure the truth.” The Angel reasoned. “But how difficult it is, it is the real truth. I couldn’t give you any answer ‘cause you already chose to deny me.”
I cried.
We cried.
Yes, it was. He already gave me the answer that I looked for so long but I didn’t know why I still felt the burden deep inside in my hollow heart. Why you still put it?
Maybe, maybe, it was better for me, for us, to never know the truth, to be real deaf, blind, and mute. But I couldn’t.

“Imagine if there is no heaven”
John Lennon
Sorry John, but I couldn’t.
Me.
Reza Anggriyashati Adara.